"I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose. I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely."

Grimmy for American Apparel

Holy fuckking pants. When was the last time I made a set?
Never ever, is the answer.
An entire summer passed without me doing anything on this website.
Which was sort of sad for me to realize, seeing as I made this account nearly four years ago, and it's a nice little account of my life and how I've grown and developed as a person.
 
So, I figured that I would make a nice update on my life.
 
1. My summer was lovely. It consisted of be striving to be healthy, working out daily, and over all being lazy. I blogged endlessly, wrote fanfiction and cried a lot because of feels. It was perfect.
 
2. I am nearly two months into recovery. That means almost two months since my last binge/purge. That was a massive part of my life for such a long time- two years or so- and to have it finally in the past is such a relief.
 
3. Because of my recovery, I'm a new person. I'm happy and confidant and I feel as though I'm filled with this ridiculous, unending amount of love for everyone. But most importantly, for myself.
 
4. I have this thing about One Direction. I sort of love them. Not in the stereotypical way, of course. They are my babies. And I adore them. I don't want to date any of them, and I think their music is rubbish, but I literally cannot get enough of them.
 
5. Larry Stylinson is real. That is the love between Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. They have to hide their romance for fear of media speculation, but it does still exist.
 
6. My friends are all well. I love them so much, really, they're all incredible and I am so lucky to have them.
 
7. School's been good so far. I have lovely teachers for the most part- save my spanish teacher who is cray as fuckk. But the work is difficult in many of my classes, but I'm not letting myself get too stressed or worried.
 
8. I haven't lost much weight, but I am so much stronger than I have ever been, and it's wonderful.
 
9. It's nice to feel loved.
 
10. I don't really want to be in a relationship now, despite the stirrings I might have for some people. I'd much rather focus on my life, my happiness and my imminent goals for the future than on having a boyfriend or girlfriend.
 
11. My parents still do not know about either my bisexuality or my past bulimia. I don't feel it's necessary to tell them, unless of course something comes to head in terms of my E.D or I find myself in a committed relationship with someone who is a girl.
 
12. My sixteenth birthday is soon (holy shitballs how did I get this old?) And mum said I can throw an actual large party with a dj and stuff. I'm looking forward to it.
 
13. I want to be Wendy for Halloween more than anything.
 
15. I had callbacks for the fall drama, Diary of Anne Frank, yesterday. I believe they went well, although I don't have any expectations to make it in. I really would like to, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
 
Life is good. I am happy and healthy and the world seems so much brighter than it ever has before.
Maybe I have bad days, or bad moments, or bad periods, but the overall sentiment is positivity.
I'm just really happy, mates.
 
Love forever,
Mo.

Things that happened:
I broke up with Reed.
I came out as bisexual.
I had a thing with a girl that ended.
I realized just how much I love Crossfit.
 
What is happening:
Studying for finals.
Going on tumblr too much.
Writing everyday.
Working out more.
 
What is going to happen:
SUMMER.
That's sort of it: the best thing to look forward to is the impending summer and its potential awesomeness.
 
All is well mates.

i am so distressed right now.
there are a million things eating me from the inside.
i want to shout and scream and cry and curl into a ball.
 
i'm worried that i won't ever be in love.
i'm worried that i won't ever feel the way i should.
i'm worried about what i might become.
i'm worried about what i am.
 
i hate myself right now.
i hate everything.
i feel sick.
like vomiting.
 
vomiting up all the sadness and guilt and sheer terror that is building up inside of me and threatening to spill over.

Fa la la la la.
Just got back from my gramma's it was nice.
I wish I could see her more often.
The boyfriend is in South Carolina or something, but we chat regularly and so forth.
I'm on a wicked diet now so I can fit into a prom dress.
I'm going to wear a yellow one because it's the boyfriend's favorite color, but they're damned impossible to locate.
I've found one that I like though, so here's hoping.
 
Things I Need to Do:
-Paint my toes and nails
-Write a plan out for the musical I've been working on
-Start the new novel I've been working on
-Put away my christmas decorations
-Buy attractive panties and bras
-Buy a prom dress
-Figure out how to shave my legs and underarms so I'm not bumpy and prickly
-Clear my skin
-Hang up the Doctor Who poster boyfriend stole of the train
-Lose weight (15 pounds with luck)
-Clean my room a bit
-Bake some paleo treats
-Sleep a little less
-Listen to more music
 
None of that sounds terribly difficult...better get started and stuff....

Everything feels quite miserable.
I did not make the musical.
I did not make the musical.
I did not.
I can't really process that.
It's all I wanted.
 
I feel like something's been taken from me.
I'm not sure what to do with myself.
I feel awful. Empty.
 
I have to hide everything away, shove everything I'm feeling back inside me,
otherwise I'll break down.
 
So I'm blank. I'm not feeling.
Which isn't too bad.
It's just lonely.
The only thing I know is that I'm going to write about it.
 
The only person who has really been able to help is my friends mom. As soon as I went to their house, she hugs me, tells me she can't believe it, and that I'm better than this.
She said "Write everything you're feeling."
 
And so I have.

Haven't published a real set in ages...
I might get on that eventually...

We're doing West Side Story as the spring show.
I'm always tired.
Lots of things going on, but as a whole stuff is winding down.
Just got a good grade back on a pop quiz, which was a welcome relief.
 
I'm excercising,
eating healthy,
getting my shopping done,
checking off lists,
reading poetry,
day dreaming,
singing carols,
loving my friends,
and overall:
having a pretty decent time of things.
 
Sometimes it feels like everything might be falling apart, but you just have to power through and keep on going.

Mah boys.
All of them I would marry at the drop of a hat.
Well, dear Heath is passed on...so it would be a challenge but I'm sure something could be arranged.
 
Is there a theme though?
Not really, other than they're all very talented and very very very gorgeous.
A good deal of them are british.
And all of them have pretty eyes.
 
I dunno, do you see something I don't?

I quite like this set, it's a very nice color scheme.
 
Things have been bland around here,
not much going on, but I feel a lot of pressure building up.
It's exhausting actually.
 
And then, coupled with that, a certain friend of mine is putting me in a rather compromise position, that I didn't even realize was compromising until it was.
It's something I have to get over, since it's not the friend's fault, but sometimes I would quite like to punch this person in the face.
 
Anyways, my hormones are being slowly killed one by one, because I feel that as soon as I start to fancy a boy, I immediately stop and crawl into this hole of awkward.
 
And Dracula is over, which means so is my life...
 
IN OTHER HAPPY NEWS, I COMPLETED NANOWRIMO WITH A DASHING 50,025 WORDS.
 
I'd just quite like the holidays to show up and start making things merry again.